sometimes i

miss elyse a lot.


but i guess then i remember how she is now. and how i dont really like who she has turned into.
and how my dad never liked her anyways, and how neither did a lot of my friends. and how other people dont like who she is now too. people really close to me. and how i know that we could never recover from everything that happened. and how she hates me and has no compassion for anything to do with me ever.


and then sometimes i just think about when we would go to school dances and i would always put her underwear in my shirt halfway through the dance when she would get tired of wearing them.
or like when we would get up in the middle of the night and sit at her kitchen table talking and making too much noise as we cooked food we didnt really need.
or that time she was having an emotional breakdown about prom behind the curtains of the musical and i sang "dear prudence" to her and combed her hair with my fingers.
or like when when she used to make things and secretly put them on my locker just because she cared about me.


i guess sometimes i just feel like i put so much time and effort into loving someone and caring about them and now they disappeared off the face of the earth.
not a good feeling.

<3