im so ready to be home. this vacation was supposed to be a vacation but all we've done is funeral crap and other people going swimming while i sit alone and die. its so frustrating and irritating because thats all mom does all the time at home in the summer. so now that we are on vacation and i dont have aaron or friends or at least my own house to lounge in, i just really think we dont need to be doing that. i want to finally do something fun. mom promised we would do something fun after wednesday and as it turns out, i spent all day home alone with cramps. i couldnt even go get iced cream because i didnt feel well. this is just so lame. if im going to be uncomfortable and sick and lonely and bored....i want to do it at home. i can at least ignore the people who drive me crazy while im home. but when im here, they are in my face. im sick of living in such close quarters and hanging out with a bunch of people ive never met or have nothing in common with. and i understand you have to grin and bear it like that with family sometimes during funerals. but now that thats over, lets just stop. lets just go do something. im not mentally prepared for this type of lounging. im really not. and its irritating because this is my vacation too. and so far its been miserable. and not just because of grampa dying. i miss aaron. oh, how i miss him. you have no idea. it hurts. it physically hurts me to be away from him like this. after two years of seeing him twice a month, i am DONE. i am so finished with that and i granted myself the safe feeling of joy in the fact that i would never have to be away from him for long ever again if i didnt want to. well guess what, i didnt want to. lol. and here i am, five days from the last time i saw him and it just hurts. i feel separated from myself. i cant relax, i cant be happy or sad or okay or pleasant. and it just makes it worse that apparently no one wants to do anything but go to the pool 24/7. its 105 degrees outside. geeze.
im hurting. im unhappy. and i dont care if you understand. its happening.