right now i am listening to Aaron and Phil talk about old D&D stories. i just finished a major part of my current and FIRST official art project for the year. my very first college art project. and i like it. it really looks like a piece of MY artwork. its me and its real and i like it. but im not done, so no pictures yet. sigh.
today i felt different from myself. like im turning into someone i dont want to be. you do those things that you really wish you hadn't done, you know? and then you wonder if its because you are becoming THAT kind of person. so i am going to just work on myself for a while.
i have also noticed that i am only myself when i feel comfortable. and when i am uncomfortable....when my status is up in the air and i am being evaluated, i become someone else. someone i dont really like that much. but not in the way i mentioned before. in a quiet....almost uninteresting and unattractive way. i realized that i dont know how to be attractive anymore. i know what my definition of "getting cute" is and i know how to dress up. but i have realized that what i do and what i used to do are different. and then i thought about the notion that i am becoming one of those girls who totally just lets herself go once she gets a boyfriend. like....not in a fat way lol. just in a clothing, makeup, demeanor way. lol. and clara is in a sorority so she still knows how. but i dont quite remember. ive spent so long in my tiny home town alone with aaron and the people who know and love me that i forgot what other people in the world are like. i dont UNDERSTAND why people dress up. i always thought it was because they were trying to impress or attract people. and maybe they are, but occasionally...i would like to remember how. i just need to go buy myself a dress or something. i have the opportunity, now i just need to give myself the chance.
also. i am awesome. i FINALLY quipped back today. lol.
ken: im a lot smarter than i seem at first.
phil: i know.
aaron: you're also a lot more of a douche than you seem at first.
ken: oh i know that. its this new thing im trying. especially with girls, i act like a medium douche at first, then i get nice.
me: oh so thats where we're going with this.
ken: its actually doing pretty well for me. as a nice guy, i didnt get anywhere. as a dick, im actually doing pretty well.
me: with the bitches.
ken: actually, no, they're not bad.
me: you wouldnt know because you're such a dick.
lol. it was awesome. he totally acted like he didnt hear me. hes such a douchebag.
BUT IN OTHER NEWS...im actually making headway with joel. im making him and aaron dinner tomorrow night. and phil too. cant forget phil. ken can starve. lol.
but i actually feel really bad for joel. he hasnt been eating or sleeping. its love issues. she has a new boyfriend i think =[. i just want to hug him and make him cupcakes and tell him everything will be okay. unfortunately, i cant. and he would get pissed if i did. hes a very private person. but i can see what hes feeling, you know? i dont need him to tell me. i can probably still make him cupcakes. yeah. probably. but dinner will make him feel a little better. and hopefully a really cute blonde girl that i totally approve of that he just met a few days ago will make him feel better too. hopefully.
well. i will have pictures of my art project up tomorrow. we actually need to leave soon for Navs. sigh.